Hey Loves! Sighs, I know I said I was back from taking a hiatus but, obviously I’ve still been slacking. And, it’s because I have so much going on in life. I’ve been handling business and focusing so much on my professional career. Throughout my entire professional business career I didn’t really find the perfect position for me until I got to management. It encompasses everything that I love do from a business standpoint. It’s helped me become a better leader, person, and advanced by obtaining multiple certifications and it’s even got me thinking about going back to school! Yes, that’s right I’ve been seriously contemplating going back for my PhD. And, when I think about how I’ve grown professionally and elevated within my career I’m happy and amazed. Especially, if you’ve been reading my blog posts for a little while, you may remember I had my son as a junior in college and struggled to juggle motherhood, my career, and just life itself. So, the fact that I’m finally seeing the fruits of my labor and living out the success I planned for myself, I’m actually scared its now a reality. Now, you may hear most people say they’re scared of failure which is understandable but, most don’t say they’re afraid of success. But, this is why I’m saying this…
The more successful I’ve become in my business career the more responsibility I’ve had to take on. At work, I wear many hats: Change Agent, Supervisor, Leader, Innovator, Liaison, Motivator, etc. And, with each position I’ve taken on more tasks, reports, projects, meetings, and trainings. I also work from home a lot after hours, trying to perfect my profession and learn as much as I can. As one of the youngest Supervisors in my department, the only young African-American female in management, and the fact I haven’t worked in my department as long as others, and the only female supervisor of my team ever comes with a lot of pressure to do and be my best. I constantly feel like I’m being observed by my peers and direct reports and some I feel are rooting for me to fail or threatened by my position, success, and recognition from upper management and our service partners. And, sometimes all of this responsibility can be overwhelming. At times, I currently get flustered with the responsibilities that I have now and sometimes I worry that I won’t be able to take on anymore than I already do.
Not only with success comes more responsibility but it also comes with less time. I’m already struggling with balancing everything I have going in my life now from my personal to professional life, how am I going to find time to take on or do anymore? I’m struggling now thinking how am I even going to fit in a workout regime so I can lose some of this ice cream weight I put on lol. I also think about time with my family, more specifically my son. Most of his life I’ve been in school trying to make sure I have a good job and profession so I can ensure his future is set up to give him the best chance at doing and being anything or anyone he wants to be without or minimal student loans and debt. But, with me considering going back to school and continuing to advance my education and career, I’m scared my success won’t leave enough time for me to spend with him, attend his activities and sports, do homework, read, or do leisure activities. He has a great village that helps me raise him from his dad to other family members but, it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty.
3. Limited Leisure
Right now, I’m able to do things such as traveling, hobbies like arts and crafts, and at times blog when I can, but I’m afraid that all of this will diminish the more successful I get. With each career move and going back to school I wasn’t able to travel and do the things I enjoy. And, because I was always busy and didn’t have enough time when I did have time to engage in leisure activities it seemed more like a chore and was less enjoyable.
Unfortunately, with success I’ve lost friends along the way. I’ve noticed the more driven, determined, and ambitious I became the more I lost. Now, I know it also had something to do with me being a young mother and growing up fast, but it wasn’t just with friends but also coworkers. The more education, certifications, or promotions I received the more people seemed threatened by my accomplishments. Now, in no way am I trying to come off like I’m just so great, but this happens all the time even for those of us that are humble.
5. Spiritual Relationship
The more I become busy I realize that my relationship with God ends up lacking. Now, that I’m more self-aware of this I try very hard to make sure I pray in the morning and at night to make sure I’m continuing to nurture our relationship. I noticed that when I was pregnant and going through depression I was closest to God. And, then when my life started to turn around it’s almost as if I brushed him off and cast him aside. I’m scared that success will burden me with so much time and responsibility that I’ll unintentionally go back to my old habits of pushing important things to the side such as spending time with God.
I guess what I’m saying is that when people say they are scared that they’ll fail, I think sometimes they’re actually scared that they will succeed. I think that some of us are scared of what success may really bring us, which is greatness and the possibility of achieving our highest potential. Success may come with less time often resulting in sleepless and restless nights, less time for relationships and leisure, increased responsibility to yourself and others, and the potential loss of friends, co-workers, old ways of thinking, bad habits, etc. But, what I’ve realized is that although I’m scared these things will happen I know I’d regret not doing everything I can to reach my definition of success for myself. In order to be successful we have to ask God to help us balance everything out, guide us, and trust we’re not doing this alone. We have to try to make sure we live for the moment and not be all work and no play. Success may come with a few burdens, but it also comes with maturity, accountability, valuable lessons, opportunities, and appreciation for the journey.
Success comes with a lot of work, but the definition of success is what you make it. Don’t be afraid of the things we’ll give up but look forward to the things we’ll gain and what future generations will gain after us. No matter the circumstances, if it’s for you it will be for you and God will always make a way. Almost anyone I know that I’d define successful, never said success came easy, but “anything in life worth having, is worth working for”. ~Andrew Carnegie